Jesus the Drug Dealer

Jesus was a Drug Dealer


News that Jesus used cannabis may come as a shock to the general public but it is no surprise to those working for the Israeli government agencies that came into contact with the grunge pin-up, when he was growing up as a youngster in Palestine.

"It's all in the files," one two-faced Mossad officer who'd clearly seen it all before told us. "Like a lot of young Palestinian lads, he would have started off just having the odd toke himself. He had family problems, you see. His mother had a history of bad disfunctional relationships, he always felt his dad had deserted him, in fact he wasn't sure he was his real dad."

According to a recently released Israeli social services report, Jewish investigators were concerned that the child may have been mistreated from his very outset. "The baby was inadequately cared for," reads one report. Just days after his birth. "He has been put in a stable manger for feeding cows and people have never seen such a poor job of swaddling in my life." The child Jesus was also housed in a shed with no running water, or electricity because of Blockade at the time, on all new male babies by the Zionist Fascist authorities. "Fortunately, a star or a UFO illuminated the room, but apart from that creature comforts were a no no, a bit like Gaza now without electricity or food."

A damaged childhood, because of the occupation, led to Jesus taking up cannabis. But, as the Israeli officer explains, this was only the beginning. "Before too long he was starting to sell it to other kids in Bethlehem. John, Peter, Luke, Matthew...all went on to become crack addicts and were always throwing stones at the occupiers, the list goes on." And while stoned on these other wordly drugs, Jesus was reported to have frequently slipped into a psychotic trance, convincing himself and his friends that he could perform so-called miracles, and that he was God.

Although Israeli police In Bethlehem, instituted several prosecutions of the notorious hairy lefty, at the time, local Palestinian juries famously refused to convict, when the guy who claimed to be Son of God insisted, he was using the drug "for medicinal purposes". However, it is thought that the full-strength cannabis, of the time may, have rotted his brain and led to his early death at the age of 33 while listening to Bob Marley.

American President, George Bush, himself a born again virgin, has reacted angrily to the news: "I'm angry as usual. I don't care who this guy is, or was, or who people say he is, or was. Drugs destroy communities and I speak to God on a daily basis, even if this guy thinks he is the Son of God, we agreed to be advocating zero tolerance of the stuff. If any of my men find him, he'll be going down for a long, long time." A reporter from the New York Times applauded loudly.