God Damn America

Thousands flee Mother Nature's wrath
Human suffering on a roughly Biblical scale
by the Rockall disaster management bureau and Chris Wildman

Thousands of demoralised and wretched people are today streaming from centres of civilisation worldwide amid fears that Planet Earth has another Biblical-scale disaster up its sleeve with which to further castigate humanity.

One family's tale is typical: their belongings packed into the back of a Renault Megane, the Hardings have decided to quit their Basingstoke home in favour of a small holiday cottage in Cornwall. Speaking at a service station on the westbound M3, Frank Harding explained: "I can't take any more, to be honest. First New Orleans, then Central America, then Pakistan. There's a limit to how much on-the-spot disaster coverage the average human can bear."

Harding's wife Tania, an attractive 43-year-old brunette, sobbed: "We got to get away from here before a typhoon hits Malaysia and thirty thousand schoolchildren are buried in a catastrophic mudslide...." At this point she broke down completely as a news crew arrived with a satellite uplink to catch her suffering for a live TV audience of millions.

"Human suffering on an unimaginable scale..." began the news correspondent as the Hardings attempted to make good their escape.

On distant Rockall, meanwhile, the Fighting Dog and Pikey was packed to the gunwales last night with locals attempting to grab five minutes' respite from the relentless media onslaught of tragedy and despair.

"Don't mention the word 'Guatemala' for God's sake," whispered landlord Vince as he poured us a couple of pints of Olde Wifebeater. "Some bloke got his head kicked in in the bogs yesterday just because his name was Stan. People are at breaking point."

When quizzed as to a suitable subject of conversation, Vince offered: "The local paper ran a nice piece last Tuesday about a cat stuck up a tree. The fire brigade rescued it and delivered the poor thing safe and sound to its octogenarian war hero owner. It fair brings a tear to your eye, it really does."

In related news, the US was stung last week by accusations that their initial pledge of $100k to earthquake-ravaged Pakistan was somewhat less than generous given that country's $1m pledge to Katrina disaster relief, Chris Wildman reports. Accordingly, the US administration has rethought its offer and has upped its charitable donation to $10bn.

Vice-President Lon Cheney explained how the new figure had been reached: "It's really quite simple. We worked on the principle that since Pakistan is our next target in the War On Terror™ we will be saving about $20bn by not having to flatten the sh*it out of the place in an impressive Shock'n'Awe® depleted uranium display. Let's face it — there's fuc*k all left to bomb."

God enlists Wright & Obama in War on Terror

God enlists Wright & Obama in War on Terror
Titanic struggle for supremacy
by How Tenji on the road to perdition

George Bush is perhaps one of the most modest of world leaders. Where other heads of state behave as if they are God, George is content merely to speak with his creator. Alas, a direct line to the Almighty is not the exclusive preserve of American presidents and others have also been praying leaving our heavenly father in something of a dilemma.

God: Please kick Muslim assBush, in an address to the people of the USA, revealed for the first time the astonishing scope of the War on Terror™. What has hitherto been regarded as a bit of a scrap between a military super-power and some brown people with tea-towels on their heads, has now been revealed as only the earthly manifestation of a greater battle between supreme beings.

Following the attacks of 9/11 Franklin Graham, one of the President's religious advisors, gave this statement: "We're not attacking Islam but Islam has attacked us. The God of Islam is not the same God. He's not the son of God of the Christian or Judeo-Christian faith. It's a different God, and I believe Islam is a very evil and wicked religion."

The president revealed to a jubilant nation that whilst the US armed forces were kicking ass in Afghanistan and Iraq the Almighty was taking care of the inferior God of Islam; the self-styled Allah.

"The people of this great country prayed to the Almighty that he would, in his infinite mercy, kick some Muslim ass," said a prayerful president in a broadcast to the nation last night. He continued: "When the two towers collapsed I implorated our Heavenly Father and asked for his help. But he is a democratic god and he refused to act without a clear mandate. Only when a majority of those praying were asking for divine retribution did he visit his wrath upon our enemies."

The President went on to explain: "The Asian tsunami was a direct response to the attacks of 9/11. As sure as if it were a holy missile fired from a divine battleship that flood which killed 200,000 Muslims and other heathens was part of America's War on Terror™. Let us be in no doubt that the Lord sent this sign upon the very eve of the birthday of the Prince of Peace as a clear message to all mankind not to mess with Uncle Sam."

Warming to his subject, the President went on to explain that Hurricane Katrina and the devastation of New Orleans was the result of a Muslim counter-attack: "Compared to the power of Our Lord in his tsunamic judgement this attack upon the Christian USA was as nothing. But we must ask why He allowed this evil to befall us, His chosen nation? The answer, my fellow Americans, is that He was displeased with the immorality that was so widespread in that city. Like a latter-day Sodom He has allowed Allah to damage us as a warning."

Onlookers were visibly shaken by this news and spontaneously began praying for forgiveness, a strengthening of the US dollar and the continued rise of the Dow Jones. President Bush interrupted their worship to explain that he had personally spoken to the God of ages and together they had secretly planned a counter-attack.

"The Pakistan earthquake was his divine response to my prayers," said a pious and humble George Bush. "When our god smites, you stay smitten." He concluded to a chorus of cheers and cries of "Amen to that brother".

Senior US army assault chaplains are meeting to plan the USA's next step. Franklin Graham, an outspoken critic of pretty much everything, drew the line at adding nail bombs to parcels in the annual "Operation Christmas Child". He is said to have rejected the proposal on the grounds that although the Muslims and Hindus were clearly "Bound by Satan's power" they needed to be shown the mercy and compassion at the centre of Christian teaching. As a result, the US plans to link donation of all future aid to victims of natural disasters to a program of compulsory religious instruction to be organized by the Reverend Graham.

Religious leaders and meteorologists have been in prolonged discussions to try to establish whether hurricane Rita and recent tornadoes in the mid-west are of natural or super-natural origin. The recent cold snap in the UK is not thought to be suspicious.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdj5yye_G80