Sunday, March 16, 2008
Adolf Hitler Didn't smoke on Paddy's Day
The Rockall Times supports Ireland's brave smoking ban
by our woman on the wagon, Miranda Givings
There are those who would claim that our beloved land is tonight
under the threat from a wave of Puritanism so virulent that it is
nothing short of a fatwa, or even a jihad, possibly. At the very least
it's a mini Crusade: a sort of long weekend break of a Holy War but
without Richard the Lionheart.
This crusade of which we speak is, of course, the increasing
tendency towards non-smoking, which — at its most fanatical — leans
towards a literal anti-smoking interpretation of non-smoking. Ireland
has fallen, the panic-mongers say, and it can only be a matter of time
before beloved Albion also succumbs to an age of darkness and despair.
Perhaps you are among those who are reduced to tears by the thought
of the smokeless celidh, the nicotine-free craic and the Dublin theme
bar deserted save a few disconsolate members of the Salvation Army,
supping white cranberry juice and half-heartedly shaking their
Perhaps you are, but have you ever thought about the human cost of
smoking? The 5,000 innocent lives snuffed out each and every year by
other peoples' second-hand toxins?
The anti-smoking lobby tell us that one of these innocent souls dies
in agony every 11 minutes. We'll take their word for that if they take
our word that every 11.2 minutes someone, somewhere, is killed on a
bicycle. Co-incidence? We think not.
While we agree that the terrible human cost of smoking must be addressed, we at the same time demand that all risks to our kiddies' futures be treated equally seriously.
One fervent public health spokescrusader who we didn't actually
contact but who insisted on coming to our offices and shouting loudly
through the letterbox confirmed that smoking-related diseases will in
future be treated at the smoker's own expense. That sounds fair enough
to us. Why should the non-smoker pay? After all, do smokers pay extra
tax to inflict their filthy habit on the rest of us? No.
Ask yourself this: Do kiddie-fiddlers get free board and lodging and
psychiatric treatment at our expense? No they bloody well don't. Making
fag addicts stump up in cash, in advance, for cancer treatment is
exactly the sort of hands-on, direct action we like here at The Rockall Times.
And while we're about it, let's extend this punitive plan. Fat people
would be a good start. We know that the obese deliberately stuff
themselves with crisps, chips, chocolate and oven-ready microwaveable
pizzas so that they can get themselves a fast-track, heart-attack
driven passport to intensive care easy street. Let the fat bastards pay
for their own coronary bypasses.
Obesity causes huge health problems and costs tasty-looking thin
birds like me a fortune in medical insurance. Why don't you fat, ugly
women stop filling your faces with fish suppers and get some bloody
exercise? Or try walking the rug-rats to school instead of driving them
there in your smelly, diesel MPVs? Better still, jog to school and
smoke a couple of fags on the way. That should shed a few pounds.
On the other hand, we were told that jogging can cause knee and
ankle problems, so it seems only fair that conscientious pavement
pounders should pay for any knee and foot repairs themselves. Dangerous
sports are another area long overdue for legislation. Why should you or
I pay for a hip replacement for some rich stockbroker who's fallen base
over apex in a Piste-related accident in Klosters? According to a
recent survey conducted by the Fitter Britain Association,
sports-related injuries cost the UK £106,437,000 every year and result
in roughly 129,437.28 hospital admissions every week. Jesus H. Christ.
And they expect us to pay for that?
After kicking the sports fraternity into touch, we suggest the
Government tackles the thorny problem of history. It's criminally
irresponsible to allow monsters like Winston Churchill to appear in
books. Not only did he chain-smoke obscenely large cigars, he drank
huge amounts of alcohol, was grossly overweight, and never exercised.
And we call this a national hero? Is this any kind of example
to be setting our kids? No, it isn't, so it's out with the airbrush for
Winnie and enter stage right health-conscious Aryan Adolf Hitler. We
can think of no better example of responsible and considerate behaviour
than the slim, non-smoking, teetotal vegetarian with his legendary love
of animals. His personal habits should be an example to us all and his
life a reminder of what a truly healthy lifestyle can achieve.
Remember: Adolf Hitler didn't smoke.
But perhaps the worst example of inconsiderate, self-destructive
behaviour that threatens the health of our nation is the increasing
number of middle-aged men suffering heart attacks during the monthly
execution of their conjugal rights. This must be looked at urgently. If
it's not distasteful enough the idea of lard-arsed proto-wrinklies
poking their shrivelled wives, think about the poor paramedics who have
to go in a clear up the mess. And, once again, it's us who foot the
Sunbathing is another activity which cannot be allowed to continue;
the skin cancer risk is simply too great. The list goes on, but to
summarise, just imagine this: a middle-aged fat bloke enjoying a
drunken post-coital cigar whilst skiing naked down a sun-kissed piste en route to a tour of the lard factory. Had enough? Us too — it makes our blood boil.
Implementing such sweeping improvements in the health of our
citizens might run into some resistance, but we are confident that —
just as the appointment of a drugs "czar" several years back has
practically wiped out the use of illegal substances — persuading the
nation to voluntarily give up smoking, eating, drinking, skiing,
sunbathing and sex should not prove insurmountable. Especially when
backed by legislation, fines and imprisonment. Forward with Britain.
More of Miranda Givings' campaigning journalism can be found here.