Criminal Irishman safely behind bars
US intelligence bureau the FBI has confirmed that it is holding an Irish citizen suspected of a range of offences including sexual solicitation, sexual extortion, lewd sexual conduct and cunnilingus.
Patrick Murphy has so far been held for 72 hours without access to relatives, his family or a lawyer, but FBI sources have stressed that this is for reasons of state security, given that Murphy is " the second most dangerous criminal in New York".
A Bureau spokesman this morning confirmed that, despite continual grilling, Murphy had so far refused to speak. "He's one tough customer, that's for sure," noted the grim-faced G-man. "But he'll break eventually, they always do."
The FBI has also countered claims that they are holding the wrong individual. "Nope, the name on the computer matches the name on his passport," asserted an intelligence officer in mirrored sunglasses. "Absolutely no doubt about it."
Murphy is charged with soliciting an escort who had been with him in the Mayflower hotel. He allegedly then used cash from an ATM, in an elaborate ruse to bribe the escort for sexual favours. It is believed he was attempting to build a vast criminal empire of prostitution. Agents claim, that he abused one of their associates in 1999 for "not cleaning the toilet seat after him", when he visited New York.
However, Murphy"s distraught mother is convinced that this is a case of mistaken identity. His hysterical mother told: reporters "There's no way he did all the things they say he did. How could he? He's only nine months old."
While FBI interrogators concede that their suspect's silence may be due in part to his tender years, they are sticking to their belief that little Patrick is their man. It is believed the escorts phone was wiretapped by the FBI on another matter, at the Mayfair Hotel and the lewd suggestive evidence has been taped.
"I'll say it again," gasped an exasperated Fed. "The man we're looking for has the same name as the person we are holding. Therefore they are the same person. And to suggest that this guy is not capable of running a brutal criminal regime is to ignore the facts. Patrick Murphy is the name of the man who laundered more than $65 billion with one of the most respectable firms trading on the New York stock exchange last year. The firm was almost put out of business. Patrick Murphy is the name of the infant we are holding. End of story."
When it was suggested to the FBI that they were illegally using anti-terror legislation to hold the infant, they countered that their records show, that a Patrick Murphy also visited Fallujah back in 1999 and may be carrying chemical agents once used by Saddam Hussein.
If convicted, Murphy faces 100,000 years in jail without hope of parole.