Kill Billy Gently

When the stresses of life as a headboy and the pressures of politcal service in norn iron become too much, the idea of retreating to an exotic place, to get away from it all, can be quite tempting. The high and the mighty of Brit society, have apparently been using tropical islands, as a place for mini breaks and dirty weekends for quite some time now, while the poor commoners who pay taxes to finance them, can hardy afford their obligatory Broadcasting Licence, who then proceed to censor all news about their unsavory activities of their privilged masters, under the cover of Britain's archaic 'Official Secrets Act'.

In this particular case, some 91 full-colour photos, support allegations by decent local people, that the top Monk of Wat Na engaged in fornication with a born again virgin, who is part of an organization, affectionately known in Ireland, as the 'Pig Sucklers of Norn Iron'. The incident also involved two dogs and three 'ladyboys'.

Senior monks from the Governing Board, after examining the photos, announced they were real and pleaded with the press to “beware of publishing them and casting Buddhism in a bad light,” which is a criminal matter under Thai law. Meanwhile the BBC has censored all coverage of the matter, shielding its mainly Christian commoner audience from the rich and powerful.

The head of the country’s Mental Health Department has also warned against publication of the photos, saying they were evidence of mental illness in foreign police forces and could have evil effects on children incapable of interpreting them properly. This has prompted leading psychiatrists to label the head of the country’s Mental Health Department as insane, because they argue, there is simply no proper way what so ever, fro anyone in their right mind to interpret the pictures of utter depraved debauchery.

Investigators have also discovered that these overseas snap visits by British officials from Belfast and Derry, have been happening for quite some time and that on nights when there are no "ladyboys to come sleep with him, he has sex with the dogs". One was a “fluffy-haired” white dog, and the other a white male dog as per BNP regulations.

This particular high profile defendant, who denied he was a 'baggot'(see Urban Dictionary), claimed he was attending an Asian Martial Arts course on the island of Phuket, claiming he was robbed of hundreds of thousands of pounds after entrapment by a ladyboy he met, in the notorious Bangla adult entertainment complex.


The high profile defendant, using an alias and again denying he was a baggot(see Urban Dictionary) told police he checked into a hotel in the Bangtao area and went looking for some non-alcoholic drinking company, like his friend Martin does occasionally. He said he made some new ‘female’ acquaintances and took one of them back to his hotel room, for Evangelical Bible lessons and to teach her about some missionary positions which his friend Martin had informed him about. He poured two non-alcoholic shandys with his right hand and left the room briefly, to talk to his friend Martin on the phone in his left hand about the missionary position.


When he returned, Mr Alias and his ‘girlfriend’ drank more non-alcoholic shandies, at which point he started to feel sleepy. The next thing he knew, it was 2pm the following day and his companion had vanished, along with all his valuables and he was looking at these 91 incriminating photos put in front of him by the police. Mr Alias told police the ‘woman’ had stolen 50,000 pound sterling and a gold ring that Martin gave to him, along with a gold wrist watch, a digital camera, and a digital voice recorder worth a combined total of more than 300,000 pounds sterling, which fortunately were insured.

A local Police Commander said, that the original bait as Mr Alias claimed, had been identified as a 21-year-old ladyboy clalled Pong Suk. Mr Alias claimed he had no idea his ‘lady friend’ was actually a man. He claims that Mr Pong Suk slipped tranquillizers into his shandy before stealing his valuables. Mr Pong Suk however claims that he was approached originally by a very "feely' Mr ..ahem..Alias who was still denying he was baggot.


An arrest warrant has been issued for Mr Pong Suk and after Mr Alias made a suitable anonymous donation to a local charity, he was released with a caution, after a phone call from a high ranking politician at Stormont. Mr Alias is believed to be the second high-profile foreign Brit victim to be drugged and robbed by a ladyboy in less than a month.

Last month, a recently recruited Unionist high profile politician reportedly lost a laptop, belonging to the Department of Defence after being drugged and robbed by another ladyboy he met in a go-go bar. It is not known what steps the British government and Martin McGuinness have taken to stop these security breaches by undercover ladyboys.

Meanwhile a leading online republican publication in Ireland, called The Rebel's Yell has been accused of discrimination against dissident protestants, with a recent article targeting Kung-Fu legend David Carradine who was also found in a compromising position in Siam, unfortunately in this instance dead. The article which is believed to have targeted David simply on the basis of his role in the film Kill Bill.

In an interview Gail Jensen, Carradine's third ex-wife, said he enjoyed tying himself up at their California ranch and experimented with drowning himself in their pool. "He had his kinky moments," said Jensen, who was married to Carradine from 1986 to 1997. She added that the late actor like Mr Alias saw the sex acts as a form of meditation and stress release. Jensen also revealed that Carradine "would tie himself up, and I would walk in and see him and say, 'Oh, my God, David, you've got to be kidding me,'" in a totally born again manner.