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Saturday, June 19, 2010
ENGLISH LOONIES CREATE CRAZY CAPELLO WORLD CUP
Eye witnesses say that a young white man, yes that’s white, entered the building disguised in Burberry's and a flap-cap. He then infiltrated the English dressing room after their disasterous World Cup match against Algeria last night, just after the two English princes had left, after offering their condolences to the English team. “I just can’t express in words how truly foul, this awfully dirty language that was used in this this awful, terrible, awful tragedy. Back when I was a lad I always wanted to be an English football hooligan but I never used language like I heard last night," said Chris Hagworth a longtime English fan, who overheard the shouting roaring and abuse of the English fan who breached World Cup security last night. After wards many US fans were heard to congratulate the intruder fro his verbal assault echoing their frutration and humiliation by the English on the Gulf Coast of America. . AllVoices has managed to get a copy of the abusive fan's tirade, who breached security at the World Cup and blasted the English dressing room with language that Alex Ferguson, the fiery Scot manager of the American team, Manchester United would envy. Calling the English team, their manager and the two princes that all left, Mother******s, barstewards and Counts, he also amongst other things referred to the maniac called Wayne Rooney, as a “droopy balding fossil” and also alleged that Terry sexually abused farmyard animals. Afterwards an American fan who who overheard the tirade, was heard to remark, " Who wants a two hundred dollar shirt made out of Cambodian polyester now or a stuffed cuddly toy with the name 'Looney' on it anymore,— whoever he is, muahahahahahaha!?" Police have said they suspect Duncan Goodlad of 14 Terence Street, Sunderland, (070438839751693), of committing the crime, and are calling on journalists to badger his relatives and find out the truth. AllVoices spoke to the suspect's mother Jackie (45) who said: “Well that explains what he was doing in the shed all the time with the explosions and the asking me to lend him money for gunpowder. Of course if I’d known that the English Team bothered him that much and that he planned a dry run, I wouldn't have let him go to the World Cup..” The suspect's father Dick had this to say “He always did take after his mother.” The only information we could glean from his brother Ted was that he was only, in fact, the suspect’s half brother and stopped supporting England years ago in disgust. Spokesperson for MI5 Rebekah "Basher" Wade, was then eloquently explaining the deployment of Jordan's WMCs (Weapons of Mass Circulation) to distract the media from the massive breach of security "The girl's a national institution. Those Yankees have targeted England's premier piece, using her in a rendition of Britannia Ruins the waves. Again despite more heavy censorship at the BBC by MI5, and in John Bulls other Island of peace and tranquility, AllVoicesAllIrish can now exclusively confirm the previoue revelation, that far from being highly competent, Capello is in fact a fraud and a complete phoney. The English fans now sick and tired of feeling positive toward any of their failed managers for more than a couple of losing World Cup matches, English fans have long ago concluded that abuse and mockery are what all future coaches of their national side deserve, to possibly include a first friendly and meet their unrealistic expectations of their wimpy teams. As part of their ongoing effort to contemporize another of their nations failed mascots, Doctor Who, the BBC continue their hype of the latest addition to their cast of failed sports icons.As mentioned previously, the Doctor's new galactic nemesis will be Capello, a heinous genetic mongrel, half dalek, half chav, half Italian, "Everyone hates Chavs except Looney" said a BBC spokesman, "and I can assure you that the Doctor gives this fuc*ker a good rollicking." Plot details are scant, but it is understood that Capellos' reign of terror on Europe after his English experience, will involve unleashing a plague of Burberry caps, hamburger "restaurants", dodgy benefit claims and teenage pregnancies. The old catchphrase of "Exterminate" will be replaced with a stream of utter profanity and random invitations to violence along the lines of the visitor to the English dressing room last night or Wayne Looney's outburts to fans on TV after the match. No official word yet but predictably enough on hearing he was to be replaced, Davros was reported to be "very angry" an hading for the English dressing room after England's next match, to show them what he is made of. Originally hyped by expensive English spin doctors, as a 5 million pound salaried "Golden Italian God of Managerial nous" the now shy and retiring Capello arrived at out interview, after giving his team double dose of highly charged invective after the English intruder. However as with all England coaches, nothing is quite what it seems and it now appears that Senor Capello is losing the plot, as he was heard to call his team orange cheeseheads in a fit of Rage, perhaps forgetting the nationality of his team simply because of the orange attire of certain players or being homesick for his native Italy. Senor Capello perhaps is a little embarrassed currently of any association with England, declaring to anyone who would listen, that he was Italian and that unlike his failed team, his name was Capello so called, because his fathers name was also Capello, he declared in broken agitated English. When reminded by our reporter of his quote last week "Itsa bouta BEEP time innnit, dat we 'ad the BEEP worl' cup 'ere in Englund innit!" and his impeccable rendition in a comedy Italian accent: "Ifa dat BEEP' Gary Lineker, , come ahere,askin questions'bout c this World Cup, I gonna slit eem upa treata! Seea 'ow he like-a dat, BEEP' anorak-a," and about our attempts at further investigation being curtailed by several large men in pinstriped suits and carrying violin cases who had warned us: "There'sa nuttin to-a see here-a, so va fan*gul or-a you be-a sleep wid da fishes!", he offered as a humble gesture of forgiveness, an interview with part of the production team in his new role after the World Cup. We can reveal as a result, after confidential disclosure from the production team that despite promising to be a winner, a dark cloud is looming concerning discord on the set. Capello's demands are putting the production team under great stress and the usual plush trailer accommodation has been refused by a screaming Capelloo as being "fKn faeces", and has been replaced with a traditionally-constructed Roman Villa, complete with mosaic depictions of his triumphs over the many Italian cities, he conquered, fuelled entirely by the heat generated by the raging, rocky Italian hair dryer treatment. Then suddenly Capello disrupted the interview again, overwhelmed by the memory of the traumatic events oflast nights match he continued: "I've have never, ever in my born days seen anything like it at a football match. A Grown man hurling abuse at innocent football fans and players unable to defend themselves and by that I mean doing so just out of gobbing range, sadly. I've taking off work for a week, they can bring down 'Arry Rednapp if they want to. It's me Italian nerves. Stevie Gerrard says I'll never walk alone, sorry, again after last night performance. Beckham sitting next to him agreed: "Money can't compensate for the hurt we have all suffered, but it will certainly be a start, won' it?" It has just emerged today that the British Government is to censor Looney English players and fans from TV screens after last night's unpixelated filth provoked uproar in England. The Government has announced plans today after the BBC aired graphic scenes of England players and fans engaged in a highly inappropriate group activity at the World Cup last night. As soon as the footage aired, the BBC was inundated with thousands of complaints. One caller’s views were typical: “I had just sat down in front of the TV with all of my family and suddenly the screen was filled with this massive pr.. er penis. I think his name Dwayne Looney. There was no warning and he wasn’t even pixelated. My grandmother could have been watching, but thankfully she died several years ago.” As the number of complaints climbed to over a million, on the BBC world service particularly from the Southern US, spokesperson Rebekah Wayde Smith, announced that it would be taking action after also seeing footage of the English dressing room last night. “This match was utterly obscene. I’ve never seen anything like it: just footage and footage of can*ts and as for the dressing room, it’s just a collection of mother-ffn rockers. I can’t see any justification for there being that number of can*ts in one dressingroom so we have no option but to recommend that the coverage be closed down and we return to normal British censorship as before the tournament.” Last night, as the BBC world service logged its ten billionth complaint (from Joe the fisherman in the Gulf) the English remained defiant. An upbeat Dwayne Looney told AllVoices: “We shall fight on. You cannot silence us. If I get my way we’re going to be on Broadway soon. Uncle Mal has promised to take us to Florida to see the Gulf and he;s going to take Gazza as well to meet Mickey Mouse!” Gaza who watched the World Cup from a hospital bed last night after a massive car crash said: "Disney World in Florida is my favourite place. I foooooking love Mickey Mouse and every time I see the Cinderella Castle it's my dream, it really is. I would love to live there all my life after seeeing last night's English performance"