Saturday, June 19, 2010


Eye witnesses say that a young white man, yes that’s white, entered
the building disguised in Burberry's and a flap-cap. He then
infiltrated the English dressing room after their disasterous World
Cup match against Algeria last night, just after the two English
princes had left, after offering their condolences to the English

“I just can’t express in words how truly foul, this awfully dirty
language that was used in this this awful, terrible, awful tragedy.
Back when I was a lad I always wanted to be an English football
hooligan but I never used language like I heard last night," said
Chris Hagworth a longtime English fan, who overheard the shouting
roaring and abuse of  the English fan who breached World Cup security
last night. Afterwards many US fans were heard to congratulate the
intruder for his verbal assault echoing their frustration and
humiliation by the English on the Gulf Coast of America.

AllVoices has managed to get a copy of the abusive fan's tirade, who
breached security at the World Cup and blasted the English dressing
room with language that Alex Ferguson, the fiery Scot manager of the
American team, Manchester United would envy. Calling the English team,
their manager and the two princes that all left, Mother******s,
barstewards and Counts, he also amongst other things referred to  the
maniac called Wayne Rooney, as a “droopy balding fossil” and also
alleged that Terry sexually abused farmyard animals. Afterwards an
American fan who  who overheard the tirade, was heard to remark, " Who
wants a two hundred dollar shirt made out of Cambodian polyester now
or a stuffed cuddly toy with the name 'Looney' on it anymore,— whoever
he is, muahahahahahaha!?"

Police have said they suspect Duncan Goodlad of 14 Terence Street,
Sunderland, (070438839751693), of committing the crime, and are
calling on journalists to badger his relatives and find out the truth.
AllVoices spoke to the suspect's mother Jackie (45) who said: “Well
that explains what he was doing in the shed all the time with the
explosions and the asking me to lend him money for gunpowder. Of
course if I’d known that the English Team bothered him that much and
that he planned a dry run, I wouldn't have let him go to the World
Cup..” The suspect's father Dick had this to say “He always did take
after his mother.” The only information we could glean from his
brother Ted was that he was only, in fact, the suspect’s half brother
and stopped supporting England years ago in disgust.

Spokesperson for MI5 Rebekah "Basher" Wade, was then eloquently
explaining the deployment of Jordan's WMCs (Weapons of Mass
Circulation) to distract the media from the massive breach of security
"The girl's a  national institution. Those Yankees have targeted
England's premier piece, using her in a rendition of Britannia Ruins
the waves.

Again despite more heavy censorship at the BBC by MI5, and in John
Bulls other Island of peace and tranquility, AllVoicesAllIrish can now
exclusively confirm the previoue revelation, that far from being
highly competent, Capello is in fact a fraud and a complete phoney.
The English fans now sick and tired of feeling positive toward any of
their failed managers for more than a couple of losing World Cup
matches, English fans have long ago concluded that abuse and mockery
are what all future coaches of their national side deserve, to
possibly include a first friendly and meet their unrealistic
expectations of their wimpy teams.

As part of their ongoing effort to contemporize another of their
nations failed mascots, Doctor Who, the BBC continue their hype of the
latest addition to their cast of failed sports icons.As mentioned
previously, the Doctor's new galactic nemesis will be Capello, a
heinous genetic mongrel, half dalek, half chav, half Italian,
"Everyone hates Chavs except Looney" said a BBC spokesman, "and I can
assure you that the Doctor gives this fuc*ker a good rollicking." Plot
details are scant, but it is understood that Capellos' reign of terror
on Europe after his English experience, will involve unleashing a
plague of Burberry caps, hamburger "restaurants", dodgy benefit claims
and teenage pregnancies. The old catchphrase of "Exterminate" will be
replaced with a stream of utter profanity and random invitations to
violence along the lines of the visitor to the English dressing room
last night or Wayne Looney's outburts to fans on TV after the match.
No official word yet but predictably enough on hearing he was to be
replaced, Davros was reported to be "very angry" an hading for the
English dressing room after England's next match, to show them what he
is made of.

Originally hyped by expensive English spin doctors, as a 5 million
pound salaried "Golden Italian God of Managerial nous" the now shy and
retiring Capello arrived at out interview, after giving his team
double dose of highly charged  invective after the English intruder.
However as with all England coaches, nothing is quite what it seems
and it now appears that Senor Capello is losing the plot, as he was
heard to call his team orange cheeseheads in a fit of Rage, perhaps
forgetting the nationality of his team simply because of the orange
attire of certain players or being homesick for his native Italy.

Senor Capello perhaps is a little embarrassed currently of any
association with England, declaring to anyone who would listen, that
he was Italian and that unlike his failed team, his name was Capello
so called, because his fathers name was also Capello, he declared in
broken agitated English. When reminded by our reporter of his quote
last week "Itsa bouta BEEP time innnit, dat we 'ad the BEEP worl' cup
'ere in Englund innit!" and his impeccable rendition in a comedy
Italian accent: "Ifa dat BEEP' Gary Lineker, , come ahere,askin
questions'bout c this World Cup, I gonna slit eem upa treata! Seea 'ow
he like-a dat, BEEP' anorak-a,"  and about our attempts at further
investigation being curtailed by several large men in pinstriped suits
and carrying violin cases who had warned us: "There'sa nuttin to-a see
here-a, so va fan*gul or-a you be-a sleep wid da fishes!", he offered
as a humble gesture of forgiveness, an interview with part of the
production team in his new role after the World Cup.

We can reveal as a result, after confidential disclosure from the
production team that despite promising to be a winner, a dark cloud is
looming concerning  discord on the set. Capello's demands are putting
the production team under great stress and the usual plush trailer
accommodation has been refused by a screaming Capelloo as being "fKn
faeces", and has been replaced with a traditionally-constructed Roman
Villa, complete with mosaic depictions of his triumphs over the many
Italian cities, he conquered,
fuelled entirely by the heat  generated by the raging, rocky Italian
hair dryer treatment.

Then suddenly Capello disrupted the interview again, overwhelmed by
the memory of the traumatic events oflast nights match he continued:
"I've have never, ever in my born days seen anything like it at a
football match. A Grown man hurling abuse at innocent football fans
and players unable to defend themselves and by that I mean doing so
just out of gobbing range, sadly. I've taking off work for a week,
they can bring down 'Arry Rednapp if they want to. It's me Italian
nerves. Stevie Gerrard says I'll never walk alone, sorry, again after
last night performance. Beckham sitting next to him agreed: "Money
can't compensate for the hurt we have all suffered, but it will
certainly be a start, won' it?"

It has just emerged today that the British Government is to censor
Looney English players and fans from TV screens
after last night's unpixelated filth provoked uproar in England. The
Government has announced plans today after the BBC
aired graphic scenes of England players and fans engaged in a highly
inappropriate group
activity at the World Cup last night.

As soon as the footage aired, the BBC was inundated with thousands of
complaints. One caller’s views were typical: “I had just sat down in
front of the TV with all of my family and suddenly the screen was
filled with this massive pr.. er penis. I think his name Dwayne
Looney. There was no warning and he wasn’t even pixelated. My
grandmother could have been watching, but thankfully she died several
years ago.”

As the number of complaints climbed to over a million,  on the BBC
world service particularly from the Southern US,
spokesperson Rebekah Wayde Smith, announced that it would be taking
action after also seeing footage of the English dressing room last
“This match was utterly obscene. I’ve never seen anything like it:
just footage and footage of can*ts and as for the dressing room, it’s
just a collection of mother-ffn rockers. I can’t see any justification
for there being that number of can*ts in one dressingroom so we have
no option but to recommend that the coverage be closed down and we
return to normal British censorship as before the tournament.”

Last night, as the BBC world service logged its ten billionth
complaint (from Joe the
fisherman in the Gulf) the English remained defiant. An upbeat Dwayne
Looney told AllVoices: “We shall fight on. You cannot silence us. If I
get my way we’re going to be on Broadway soon. Uncle Mal has promised
to take us to Florida to see the Gulf and he;s going to take Gazza as
well to meet Mickey Mouse!” Gaza who watched the World Cup from a
hospital bed last night after a massive car crash said:

"Disney World in Florida is my favourite place. I foooooking love
Mickey Mouse and every time I see the Cinderella Castle it's my
dream, it really is. I would love to live there all my life after
seeeing last night's English performance"

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